1. 3
    Apr

    Just One Stitch

    All it takes for something to fall apart is cutting one little stitch. Just one stitch can ruin something, and reduce it to a mere pile of shreds and odds and ends. 

    I’d just really like to know where my stitch was cut at.

    I’ve got a decent life. I live with an uncle who doesn’t want my mom and I out on the streets. We have shelter. A roof is over our heads, and we have beds to fall into every night when we’re exhausted. My uncle pays our cable bill, well, currently most all of the bills as far as he’s willing to complain about every day whenever he’s in the house and my mom isn’t home. There’s always some sort of food in the house that I can make. There’s always a computer here for me to make sure I complete school assignments every day. My mom was even helping in enormous ways before I stopped her, to the point that she would even complete assignments for me if I’d been too depressed or upset or anything to finish them myself. I can play my choice of about three different gaming systems and my computer to play with whenever I’m bored. My mother lets me drive a lot of the time because she’s really supporting me getting my license. I honestly could go for another year without a job probably before it would be absolutely necessary for me to have one. I have an amazing boyfriend. He is my best friend and the person I’ve been willing to trust enough to share my life with and love unconditionally. I have his love and support whenever I need it. He lavishes me with gifts on occasion, and he lavishes me with love constantly. Even after seven months, we have conversations with real meaning to them, that aren’t forced small talk. There are still things to talk about between us, to talk about whenever and not be bored or to force ourselves to talk and force some form of connection. 

    All in all, I’d like to say I have a really good life. I want for nothing as far as I’m concerned. I have good friends, good family, love, a good home, and a good life.

    So then what stitch has came undone? 

    I’m constantly crying, screaming, or just upset in general. I go through extreme, intense highs and lows in a single day. In a matter of minutes, someone can make me laugh, make me livid, then make me bawl my eyes out without really saying anything that would, in a “normal” person’s mind, provoke those emotions. 

    What is it? Is it the fact that I’m about to graduate and be left without my father’s survivor’s benefits, and no absolutely distinct clue of what I truly want to do for the rest of my life? Is it the fact that because of the benefits going away, my mother will no longer be able to pay the car payments, and be forced to take a second job to keep up with the bills? Is it because I’m pretty much certain I have bipolar disorder, and as soon as I’m 19, whatever kind of medication they’re using to treat me won’t be covered anymore, because my insurance will be gone? Is it because I’m pretty much stressed out of my fucking mind for what the future will hold for me? Is it because I’m hiding it from my grandmother that I never took my SATS, and I in fact, let her down once again and pretty much threw away fifty dollars of her money? Is it because I’m pretty much scared of disappointing everyone with being as unstable as I am?

    I just want to know. Out of all the seams in my life…

    Which stitch is fraying? Which stitch is making the whole thing feel like it’s falling apart?

avatar_96
My Name is Lindsey Gaggini, but you can call me Lindsey Sin, or Linny. I'm basically a struggling artist, and a jack of all trades. I want to use my creativity and artistic abilities to help promote struggling participants in the music industry, as well as to become an artist in the music industry myself. I want to basically accomplish as much stuff as I can with my life. I figure I can share some of my goals and my daily accomplishments on my way to getting there.
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